'Wheat pushes its shoots up through the winter frost,

Only to be stepped on again and again. The trampled wheat sends strong roots into the earth, endures frost, wind and snow, grows straight and tall... and one day bears fruit.'
Those are the very first words in Barefoot Gen, which I'm re-reading for the 3rd time. I think it synthesizes the spirit of the story pretty well. A perfect thesis statement in a manga cartoon. It tells the story of a boy named Gen Nakaoka and his family in Japan before, during and after the A-bomb. The man who wrote it, Keiji Nakazawa, actually went through a lot of this shit, and he put it all down on paper and had it published. I remember reading this and crying my eyes out. Not that I like reading and crying; I just think it is one of the best stories I've ever read. What I found most heart wrenching in it was the way people would turn against each other even though they were all in the same state of misery. And I still find it hard to believe that that is not perfectly natural human behavior.
Once I was at this palm reader and she told me that although I did not believe it, there is actually some good in people, and I was bound to see that. That was in February 2007. She also told me a whole bunch of other stuff which was so amazingly true that I had to take her seriously. And right now I might be in the process of believing that maybe people really can be genuinely good. I've met a lot of truly good people this last year or so. But then I'm in the street and I see people behaving in ways that take me back to my original way of thinking - people suck. And then I'll tell them to fuck off in my head, or give them the finger secretly behind the dashboard.
Of course things are not that simple. People behave in different ways in different contexts. People can be good and bad. It's a stupid Bible/Disney concept to think that people are either good or bad. As my old counsellor Jane would say, there's not just black and white; there's loads of shades of grey in between. It's more Miyazaki than Disney. Miyazaki's characters weren't essentially good nor bad, they were complex like real people.

Even though, people do suck. I suck. My heart has hardened. I didn't use to be this way. After seeing people casually stepping over passed-out hobos lying on the sidewalk in São Paulo, crying over it and a few weeks later realizing I had started doing it myself, my heart hardened. How am I supposed to behave in this social setting? Am I supposed to stop and help the goddamn hobo? My boyfriend used to say I was gullible and naive. I would believe anything people would tell me. Is there anything wrong with that? Aren't people supposed to tell the truth? So when a woman with a baby comes up to me asking for money, am I not supposed to believe her? Does she really need the help, or is she just trying to take advantage of me and my heartbreak?

These things have really started to get to me lately. Again. It is so unfair. It makes me feel guilty for whining so much about my middle-class problems, which makes me feel stupid for thinking so simplistically. I could ramble on and on about this but right now duty calls.

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PM update: my brother took me out to dinner, gave me the cheesiest 80's compilation cd ever and made me watch Amélie. I am one lucky motherfucker.

Poopy week is over, Nineta. It's fucking O-V-E-R.